Archive: Wed Jun 27 13:29:16 2007
Title: A Dangerous Question
Sometimes being married means living life on the edge. There are questions men were not meant to ask.
One question men were not meant to ask is: "What size pants do you wear?"
This question is fraught with danger for the average married man.
You might try to avoid asking, but sometimes she tricks you. "Dear? Since you are running up to Target, could you pick me up some sweat-pants or pajamas?"
First off, just admitting you don't know means that you aren't paying attention to her.
We are apparently supposed to know at all times most of the following bits of information: pants size, dress size, shirt size, shoe size, how tall she is, birthday, birth stone, ring size, favorite color, favorite flower, favorite food, favorite chocolate, favorite store, brand of makeup, names of all her best friends, and many of the bits of information on her friends (tho not too many bits of information on her friends so as not to seem too interested in them).
We must not only always know these things, but we must also never actually ask or find out about them. Somehow this knowledge is implicit in the marriage vows.
Next, women's clothes sizes are compleatly fucked up.
With men, a 36 pants size means the man has a 36" waist (at least in America... in the rest of the world, the sizes are just centimeters or other strait-forward measurements).
Not only do women's sizes have nothing what-so-ever to do with waist or hip size, they aren't even remotely rational. For instance, women's clothes come in size 0, 00 and 000! What? Are some women more zero than others?? And apparently the sizes go up to 16-20, even tho I've never met a woman with a 16" waist who didn't have an eating disorder.
So add a bit of knowledge we are supposed to know with a sizing system that makes no sense and you have a recipe for disaster.
"Honey? What pants size should I get you?" You innocently ask. "10? 12?" You pick a few numbers in the middle, realizing that your wife is pretty much average sized, so you would rationally think she would be averagely measured.
But it doesn't really matter what number you pick. You are most likely to pick too high, which to her means you think she's fat when really you thought you were being cleaver and picking "8" because that seemed on the small side. So now you're going to have to suffer with the consequences of salads and lots of vegetables until she forgives you.
Unless you picked too low, and you reveal your lack of knowledge on the minutia of her life and showing you as insensitive and uncaring. So now you're going to have to suffer the consequences of cold shoulders and sad looks until you manage to pick the right flowers and chocolate combination to get her to forgive you.
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